NHL Insiders Vs Rumourrhoids

Published on by JD Lagrange

By JD Lagrange – Okay, it’s not really a word. At least, not one that you will find in a dictionary… not even in an urban dictionary. No, it’s a something that I have made up to differentiate legitimate NHL Insiders to the attention-seeking wannabes.

Of course, you know the NHL Insiders right? The (now retired) Bob MacKenzie, or Pierre LeBrun, Darren Dreger, Frank Seravalli, Elliotte Friedman, even Jeff Marek and Kevin Weekes, who are slowly building a reputation as reputable Insiders. There are a few others, less known perhaps, or beat writers associated to specific teams, who also come up with the odd scoop on rumours around the NHL.

But what’s considered a “Rumourrhoid”? Much like their cousins the hemorrhoids, rumourrhoids are a pain in the butt. They are intrusive, painful and disturbing and make those who have to deal with them rather uncomfortable. They are the not the butt hole, they are the pain in the butt hole of hockey fans! Unfortunately, there are no magical creams to relieve the pain, the itch and the discomfort they create. The best way to deal with them is to ignore them. If they don’t get the attention that they are seeking, they will eventually disappear where the sun doesn’t shine.

Here’s a piece that I wrote many years ago, that is still valid today. You will recognize the Eklund, Hockeyy Insiderr and other nameless story tellers of the internet. Enjoy.

Rumour Blogging For Dummies

Ever feel like everyone around you has NHL scoops? Get the feeling that you’re the only one without sources about rumours? Feeling unpopular and bullied? Do you like role play? Feel the need to be popular and appreciated? It’s easy. Become a Rumour Blogger!

Rumour blogging is becoming more and more popular, as shown by the number of them coming out of the woodworks in the past couple of years. Move over Eklund, you have company, as more regular Joe’s want to take advantage of people’s naïve nature to make themselves look important!

But how does someone become a Rumour Blogger? I’ve created an easy to follow, step by step guide to help you do just that. Try it, it’s really simple!

  • Create a username. Don’t use your real name and ensure no one finds out, at all cost. Pretending to work in a NHL organization, being a former player, etc, will had credibility to some of your followers;
  • Get a Twitter account and now, you can even get a checkmark! A website to post on is preferable, especially if you can edit at a later date, but optional;
  • Find at least one big, gullible and desperate fan base and focus on them mostly, especially when you’re in dire need of attention;
  • Proper spelling is preferred, but not crucial as people are so desperate for juicy rumours, that they will overlook the fact that GM’s, scouts or other personnel would want their message written by an illiterate;
  • Don’t give too much information. You could get caught in a lie;
  • Be vague, yet leave some meat on the bone;
  • Tell your followers not to believe everything that’s out there, but insist that they should trust YOU as you’re not like others;
  • Once in a while, make something up to be the first to come out with that rumour, so that people don’t think you’re stealing from others. You’ll be surprised to see how many others will say they’ve heard the same thing;
  • Come up with a rumour quoting one source, and then contradict that rumour a few days later saying you got information from another source. You can’t lose that way;
  • Often mention that you can’t divulge your source not to burn them or compromise their job;
  • Agree with some other rumours, other times say that you haven’t heard that;
  • Pretend to have appointments with your sources, meeting, phone calls. This will bring credibility to the untrained eye;
  • Often use the line that most rumours don’t result in trades. People can’t defeat that no matter how hard they try;
  • Make sure to use the canned answers: “Cap space can be cleared” and “don’t shoot the messenger”. It’s an easy cope out of difficult situations when confronted;
  • If they catch you in a lie, ask them why they’re following you if they don’t want to believe;
  • Tweet something immediately after a traditional media or another insider. If someone challenges you, pretend you didn’t see it or that you have the same info, so it must be true;
  • Re-tweet everyone who agrees with you. While it may not add to your credibility, showing the world that some are gullible to believe you will make you feel better;
  • Make sure to piggy back what others are reporting, especially if it’s more than one. You wouldn’t want to be left out if it were to materialize;
  • Always claim to have a source better than your other ones. This will bring more attention to yourself when you feel the time is right, like at the trade deadline or at the amateur draft;
  • When a trade actually happens, pretend to have predicted it. People are lazy and won’t go check, some will concur;
  • And remember that the more crap you throw on the wall, some will eventually stick!

While I’ve created this guide in good humour, don’t think for one second that it isn’t true. GM’s and team officials don’t reveal information to that many people “leak” information to some traditional media. Remember that while none are legitimate, they all claim to be the ones to be trusted.

In conclusion, I highly suggest you read The story of Dallas Dave, a Rumour Blogger who, after reaching some success, decided to come clean. Great story!

For legitimate trade rumours from true NHL Insiders, make sure to check out our Rumour Mill section on this site, and follow @Habs_RumourMill on Twitter.

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